The blog I forgot

Thanks to the memories on Facebook I got to be reminded that I had a blog LOL Silly isn't it. I pour my thoughts out and forget I did it.

How times have changed. We are now Matthews4. Have an amazing son named Silas Layton Matthews who is now 4. My beautiful daughter Willow Dawn Matthews is almost 10.

I am still working at the Yadkin Valley Chamber going on 12 years and I no longer sell real estate. Still married to Shane Matthews going on 13 years. It has been an interested 8 years since my last blog.

I am a bit changed, maybe not the best wife anymore and learned I can't forgive as easily as I had thought I could. I haven't cried in 4 years - the last cry I had was pregnant, just finished a sonogram to tell us we had a healthy baby boy and my husband yelled at me like a crazy man outside of the doctors office. I cried for sometime before I could even drive the car and decided from then on I would not cry over him again. Unfortunately I can't cry for anything. I started building that wall. It is a fortress. I am on an anti depressant and anti anxiety meds. I can't and am not blaming it all on Shane. He is a good man and one of the most brilliant men I know but I know I can't make someone be happy and love their life. I am only in control of my own and that is where I will leave it.

 I am on a journey this year to learn to heal my mind and be healthier. I am continuing to strive to be a good role model for my children and make a difference in my community.

 I am working on my 4th Girls Empowering Girls Symposium which I started for my daughter Willow. This has been something I am proud of.

 I have some amazing friends who have stuck by me for all these years and some amazing new friends too. I am a blessed woman. I think I will continue this blog because if only for me I have really enjoyed reading where I was so many years ago and I look forward to what is to come.

Some recent thoughts

I was reminded that I am a SQUARE last night. I really try to be a bit more round but I need to accept that this is me.

I will try to take more oppurtunities to do something a bit crazy and really its in me I do feel it knocking on the door but then I come through with the practical side and that subsides. Depending on what it is I come up with...I need to protect my family, my friends, can't do that I need to keep the respect from my peirs blah blah blah

I am the mother hen and it pleases me people find comfort in me, people can rely on me but agian theres the knock on the door sometimes louder somedays.

My husband told me last night that I am "Mary Poppins". I wonder what others think of me but I guess I shouldn't care.

So what brought this up, I had a close friend who I felt, as I do with all my friends, understands that I am without a doubt here for them, no judgements, no worries about keeping their secret and knowing that I would be there to help them through whatever they are going through. I figured this was true but I heard from another that there are two big things that happened in my friends life that I was unaware of and honestly I was crushed. Now I understand I have no right to know everything but I wonder where I failed her. My dear husband kindof laughed as I was unloading my feelings on him and he explained that because I am "Mary Poppins" they either didn't want to disappoint me or that I wouldn't understand. Well shoot I don't have to have experienced it to understand it's a difficult time and you're my friend you can't dissappoint me. As Shane continued if everyone knew what I go through with Shane they would realize I am not that bad and I would understand. I just feel when you call yourself a friend well it's kindof like a marriage of sorts. You work together through good and bad times and you still are there for each other and love each other.

So now I am fighting within myself on who I am. I know I am a lover, caretaker, my heart is large enough to fit my family and friends and I DO have a wild girl in me.
I will give you all that I have. I know I am square but my corners have soften but I guess honestly I am okay with who I am. I will continue to grow and change as we all do and I now with out a doubt that we all fuck up from time to time I am not nieve to this fact but understand that I love me, my family and you and we all are work in progress learning and growing but with family and friends we will all be okay.

So this is my thought, I have many of them but am going to try to write them down.

Am I taking up space....

Saturday I attended a service for a mentor and friend of mine Johnsie Hudspeth. I wish I had a paper and pen with me to write down what I was thinking and feeling at that time, I do have the tendency to forget things.

I know one day I will be there, and hopfully I will have made a difference in this world, one that will continue giving - I know I make a difference everyday in my family's life but I want to spread beyond that. Johnsie DID NOT take up space.
What are we doing every day of our lives to make a difference? I know it's possible we don't have to save someone, just a hug, smile, being patient and kind. Sometimes we feel that with work and family where do we find the time to help someone.

I am going to make an effort that EVERYONE who crosses my path to be kind (outside and in) and compassionate, to listen and care, to smile and not make them feel rushed or they are infringing on my time.... I will not be perfect but I will try.
I want to make sure my life on the planet isn't wasted, I don't want to TAKE UP SPACE. No one other than myself needs to know what I do to make that difference, I want to teach Willow but doing how to be gentle and kind to the world, to be open and non-judgemental. I hope to have an oppurtunity to help create something big but I guess its all in the eye of the beholder.

I am blessed to work for the Chamber and to be a Real Estate Broker. Both jobs give me the tools and oppurtunities to be better. I do Real Estate, not for the money Ha Ha but because buying a home is a dream and I get to help a family with that dream and I get to watch them grow and make their house a home. I am blessed to be that person that guides them to make the transaction non-nightmarish.

In my job at the Chamber I hope that I am assisting businesses if not anything else letting the know that we do care and offering oppurtunity to build their business (their dream) and help give them tools to continue to be better.

I am blessed - I live paycheck to paycheck, my old house is well a piece of shit most of the time but we are making it better - we are healthy - my only dream ever came true (WILLOW) and I have a good man in my life, have great jobs, a caring family and wonderful true friends. What more can I ask for?

So these are just a little about what goes on in my head. A question to ask...do you really know your friends? i.e. hardly anyone knew Johnsie wrote poems - why did we learn this after her passing? Be open - share your life with others. You are very important, you are Special, you are here and changing lives each and every day.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't write as much as I should, I am always working on my self confidence. I don't have much of one and I wonder who cares about my thoughts but I do and I wanted them out and really that is all that matters.

Life is Good no matter where you are. Its a choice to be happy :)

Kitchen & Dining Room

Well as most of you know Shane and I bought an old foreclosed home 2.5 years ago and have been slowly working on it. After an expensive and deepest well in the county, new drain field and roof things have been slow moving on the inside. Less than one week after Christmas we began.

My job was to remove the wall paper and Shane to remove the floor. I NEVER thought I would get through it. It took weeks (now mind you we both work)the person who put this stuff on had it precise and it was a shame but man it had to go. The floor, well Shane pulled it up (vinyl brick design) and there were the original HW. Wow would of love to have kept those but there were so many issues w/ them. Shane put down new sheathing and put over 1,000 screws in them, I hope we never have to repair anything there. I finished the walls and we were ready to paint. The Yellow was WAY to yellow so we added 1.5 gallons of ant. white that we had but it was flat :( but softened the color. Days later the walls are done, Shane now started the floor. (2 weeks in now - all the items in kit/din are in my den)


Shane had to redo the last section because they didn't stick (not a happy man - another late night) 2 weeks later the floor is done AAAAHHHH, now the trim... 1 month I get my appliances back in (dishwasher still not hooked up). A month and half and I can't take it any longer. Shane takes Willow to Nans (this weekend) and I finished painting the trim and lugged everything back in, cleaned out all cabinets and reorganized. I got ride of 2 boxes and one large trash bag full of stuff that needed to go. I want less clutter on my counters. Now we still need to put the curtains up and pictures, change outlets and do something to finish up the windows but my house is in order now. Surprisingly Shane and I didn't get into big arguments and we survived. I LOVE IT. Seems like it was forever but it was well worth the hard work and wait.

A Little of This and That

It's been awhile since I wrote a blog as I keep hearing so I will throw this one together.

I really do not know where to begin...
Kitchen & Dining Room: As some of you already know a month and week ago Shane and I decided to get into those rooms and get it done. We didn't think it would be too traumatic but here we are 3 weeks longer than we had hoped. First of all for those of you who don't know we bought a foreclosurer - best deal I have seen yet but every room in the house from ceiling to floor needed to be redone. The kitchen and dining room which was a selling point is huge. My job was to remove the wall paper. Whoever put it on had passion for it, it was perfect at one time. Now it was dirty and peeling off. Well it took me 3 days to remove all the wall paper AAAAHHHH never thought I would be done. While I was doing that Shane removed the brick design vinyl flooring and wood underneath that. I was shocked to see original hardwoods but because both rooms had different size planks and the ran different directions we continued on our path to lay tile. Shane put in new plywood and over 1,000 screws. I hope we never plan on removing that. We spent a weekend prepping the walls and painting them a nice yellow (after adding 1.5 gallons of ant. whte). Well now the tile. Shane felt that no one could help him it had to be just right. So took him over 3 hours to do 2 rows in a lumpy area. 3 weekends later, a few LATE nights (i had to support him and hang with him) and a redo area that took an additional night it is done. So all we need to do now is trim and decor. than I can move things back in. I just got my stove and fridge back in last week and how I missed the stove :)
I will post before and after shots when it's completed.

Real Estate:
SLOW that is all I can say. I am not rolling in the $. I need to spend more time on it but with the renovations and Willow it's been hard but I am getting back into making my calls to fsbo and finding some buyers. This was suppose to pay off our debt in order to be and stay debt free (minus house) and continue to invest. I will be ready when the market picks up. I have spent so many full days on buyers who change their minds which becomes disheartening but it's the name of the game.

Willow:
My favorite subject. She is brilliant, beautiful, sweet, loving, perfect...She makes me blissfully happy and keeps Shane and I laughing. I have kept a journal ever since I found out I was pregnant, well I am on #3 now. I know I forget a lot to put in there once I sit down to do it but I hope when she gets older she will enjoy them. One thing Willow does now is after our nightly routine of brushing teeth and reading 4+ books it's cuddle time. If daddy slips in the first thing she does is throw her foot up and say "Daddy Rub" we laugh but than the other one up and "Mommy Rub". I remind her that she is pretty special because mommy doesn't even get this treatment from daddy. She is always making sure we are "Happy". We say so very happy baby girl are you and of course she says yes too. Willow and I are itching for spring so we can stay outside and play until bedtime, this staying inside is just too boring for us. We color ALOT, read, play on the computer some PBSkids.org, sing (she likes it) and sometimes she will help me w/ laundry. I work hard not to do choirs when she is awake but as I am learning I am getting less of them done. LOL I have 4 loads of laundry ready to be put away AAAHH She is growing up so fast I want to spend all the time I can with her. I had thought that putting her out in the community, socializing her would help her not grow up shy but she is that. Once she gets comfortable with you she will talk your ear off but other than that you will be lucky to hear anything buy Yes.
Her accent cracks us up too. One syllable words are now two or three and I tease her about it but the other day driving home I said to her "Willow look at them there cows" and I almost peed myself laughing so hard. "THEM THERE" what is that all about. So I have once again learned not to tease my baby girl. I know she is not quite two and I want to show her everything and let her experience it all but I am staying realistic both for financial reasons and what she will retain and really enjoy. This summer we will do the zoo and aquarium and I am so siked about that even now. Her birthday is the end of next month and I am surprised she is 2 already. I can hardly remember her being an infant but I have wrapped myself around every part of her and our bond (right now) is great. She is a mommy's girl but is getting closer with daddy.
Now I can go on forever as those who know me know I can but I will stop there.

Shane:
Seems since his fall 2 years ago he has seemed sick and tired a lot. His foot may be broken but forget the dr. "well maybe monday I will go". GGGRRR
The house wears him out and the thought of what we need to do. Really the kit/din is the largest of all rooms and when they are done we will have 1/3 done. Next is Willows room than the lower level bth room. We need to finish the office and trim in the living room. We do love the place. It's a mess right now and driving me nuts LOL. Shane makes stained glass window for a living and has made 3 for our home and will make some for the front door sometime :) He is creative and handy. He is going to school to learn welding and than wants to go for fabrication. He is rebuilding a '74 Triumph motorcycle, and working on making his new '64.5 Mustang better in between it all. Shane has been a wonderful dad and good husband:) LOL! I know when the day comes and he isn't hurting so much he will be a happier man but w/ the 2 motorcycle accidents from years past that my never happen. He has a rib that poke out and will stick me too if I am not careful. I don't know how he has been able to deal with that. Shane loves motorcycle, guns (old ones too), metal detecting, old cars, Willow, me and horror flicks :)
Speaking of guns I told him one day last month that we are w/o a doubt red necks now. We were in the upstairs bathroom hanging out the window shooting a 22 rifle to a target at the back end of the property. I by the way am real good ;)

Hummm I think that should be enough. I could talk more about me and what I do and blah blah but I have things to do.

I hope this satisfies those who wanted me to write.

Little bit of this and that

I figured I haven't written in a while and I really don't have much time but I will throw a few things together :)

I am disappointed in a few things in my life but I am getting over it.
I hope Real Estate this coming year will be better - didn't sell a thing last year (
I change my office because it closed down and I am now at Century 21 Hudspeth Properties.

I haven't kept up on my weight goal and I need to get it in line. Just love food too much and I don't ever seem to have the time and when I do the energy needed.

My job at the Chamber has been great. I want to continue to grow I have so much more to give just want to learn alot. Politics is my 2009 goals. I want to learn and understand and use it.

I tried contacting some old friends and telling them how I feel about them. I haven't had a great response back...didn't think I was that bad in school LOL

Would like to get more done on the house. Our Christmas goals was to have Willows room done (NOT GOING TO HAPPEN) and tile the kitchen and redo the walls. (STILL POSSIBLE). The house require SO MUCH work but we have already done a lot already.

Willow, well she is perfect. She is a mommy's girl and I hope she will always will be. She is a dream come true for me. As many of you know I didn't think I would be blessed with a baby. She is so smart and keeps us laughing.

My close friend hit a bump in the road but if anyone I know she will get through it with flying colors. I think all of her friends use her as inspiration in life all the time. She just seems to be the most perfect mother, wife and person. I love her as if she was my family and I really claim her as mine.

I would like to learn and understand wine more. I want to be-able to taste all the flavors each has to offer and be-able to explain it too.

I guess that is it for now.

Thank for reading :)

Good Advise or Not

So most of my friends say I am a rock, stable I am grounded, I give good advice...
Well you see I can see things differently from the outside and you know I have learned a lot with some of my mistakes. However when it comes to my life well I am not the best. If I was a friend talking to me what kind of advise would I give myself. I just am not sure. I always tell my friends that the only person that can make any decision for themselves are them. The reason is...we vent when we are most upset and so we are focusing on the negative, we vent when things are right...but you are the only person that knows EVERYTHING the GOOD and the BAD.
I love listening and being there as I love my friends being there for me. It gives you great balance in your life knowing that you are not alone, you have support no matter what direction you go and maybe that you are not the only one experiencing a certain issue.

The reason I am writing this is because Shane and I have not always agreed on things and we argue a lot about. I know my husband is a good man but he is negative and focuses on that all the time which makes it hard for me. I always show him the good in things, why things are not that bad...why this a good and not the end of the world..........but it goes in one ear and out the other. That is frustrating. I know if I vented (which I have) to my friends and it was me listening I wonder what I would say and when I think about that I reevaluate what I say to others. "STOP LISTENING TO HIM AND JUST TELL HIM TO GET OVER HIMSELF" Nope not good either because he needs to talk. Whether I am taking it to heart (which I do) I ultimately know he is just venting and I know he is appreciating me being there listening. It drains me sometimes that there is more negative perspective through his eyes but as he says "I wish I could see the world through your eyes, I bet it's a nice place" It mostly is :) I wish he could too. I hoped I would rub off on him some but NOPE.
I wish he could see good and enjoy himself a little more but that is who he is and I accept that. I Love him and that is why I want him to always be happy and again he is really a good man and a wonderful father and he deserves to enjoy life.

So back to this...to my friends...I am far from knowing everything...but always know ...
Thank you for coming to me and trusting me.
Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for being my friend.
I LOVE YOU MAN
oh and I love you too Shane - you are a good man and never forget that.