Some recent thoughts

I was reminded that I am a SQUARE last night. I really try to be a bit more round but I need to accept that this is me.

I will try to take more oppurtunities to do something a bit crazy and really its in me I do feel it knocking on the door but then I come through with the practical side and that subsides. Depending on what it is I come up with...I need to protect my family, my friends, can't do that I need to keep the respect from my peirs blah blah blah

I am the mother hen and it pleases me people find comfort in me, people can rely on me but agian theres the knock on the door sometimes louder somedays.

My husband told me last night that I am "Mary Poppins". I wonder what others think of me but I guess I shouldn't care.

So what brought this up, I had a close friend who I felt, as I do with all my friends, understands that I am without a doubt here for them, no judgements, no worries about keeping their secret and knowing that I would be there to help them through whatever they are going through. I figured this was true but I heard from another that there are two big things that happened in my friends life that I was unaware of and honestly I was crushed. Now I understand I have no right to know everything but I wonder where I failed her. My dear husband kindof laughed as I was unloading my feelings on him and he explained that because I am "Mary Poppins" they either didn't want to disappoint me or that I wouldn't understand. Well shoot I don't have to have experienced it to understand it's a difficult time and you're my friend you can't dissappoint me. As Shane continued if everyone knew what I go through with Shane they would realize I am not that bad and I would understand. I just feel when you call yourself a friend well it's kindof like a marriage of sorts. You work together through good and bad times and you still are there for each other and love each other.

So now I am fighting within myself on who I am. I know I am a lover, caretaker, my heart is large enough to fit my family and friends and I DO have a wild girl in me.
I will give you all that I have. I know I am square but my corners have soften but I guess honestly I am okay with who I am. I will continue to grow and change as we all do and I now with out a doubt that we all fuck up from time to time I am not nieve to this fact but understand that I love me, my family and you and we all are work in progress learning and growing but with family and friends we will all be okay.

So this is my thought, I have many of them but am going to try to write them down.