Some recent thoughts

I was reminded that I am a SQUARE last night. I really try to be a bit more round but I need to accept that this is me.

I will try to take more oppurtunities to do something a bit crazy and really its in me I do feel it knocking on the door but then I come through with the practical side and that subsides. Depending on what it is I come up with...I need to protect my family, my friends, can't do that I need to keep the respect from my peirs blah blah blah

I am the mother hen and it pleases me people find comfort in me, people can rely on me but agian theres the knock on the door sometimes louder somedays.

My husband told me last night that I am "Mary Poppins". I wonder what others think of me but I guess I shouldn't care.

So what brought this up, I had a close friend who I felt, as I do with all my friends, understands that I am without a doubt here for them, no judgements, no worries about keeping their secret and knowing that I would be there to help them through whatever they are going through. I figured this was true but I heard from another that there are two big things that happened in my friends life that I was unaware of and honestly I was crushed. Now I understand I have no right to know everything but I wonder where I failed her. My dear husband kindof laughed as I was unloading my feelings on him and he explained that because I am "Mary Poppins" they either didn't want to disappoint me or that I wouldn't understand. Well shoot I don't have to have experienced it to understand it's a difficult time and you're my friend you can't dissappoint me. As Shane continued if everyone knew what I go through with Shane they would realize I am not that bad and I would understand. I just feel when you call yourself a friend well it's kindof like a marriage of sorts. You work together through good and bad times and you still are there for each other and love each other.

So now I am fighting within myself on who I am. I know I am a lover, caretaker, my heart is large enough to fit my family and friends and I DO have a wild girl in me.
I will give you all that I have. I know I am square but my corners have soften but I guess honestly I am okay with who I am. I will continue to grow and change as we all do and I now with out a doubt that we all fuck up from time to time I am not nieve to this fact but understand that I love me, my family and you and we all are work in progress learning and growing but with family and friends we will all be okay.

So this is my thought, I have many of them but am going to try to write them down.

Am I taking up space....

Saturday I attended a service for a mentor and friend of mine Johnsie Hudspeth. I wish I had a paper and pen with me to write down what I was thinking and feeling at that time, I do have the tendency to forget things.

I know one day I will be there, and hopfully I will have made a difference in this world, one that will continue giving - I know I make a difference everyday in my family's life but I want to spread beyond that. Johnsie DID NOT take up space.
What are we doing every day of our lives to make a difference? I know it's possible we don't have to save someone, just a hug, smile, being patient and kind. Sometimes we feel that with work and family where do we find the time to help someone.

I am going to make an effort that EVERYONE who crosses my path to be kind (outside and in) and compassionate, to listen and care, to smile and not make them feel rushed or they are infringing on my time.... I will not be perfect but I will try.
I want to make sure my life on the planet isn't wasted, I don't want to TAKE UP SPACE. No one other than myself needs to know what I do to make that difference, I want to teach Willow but doing how to be gentle and kind to the world, to be open and non-judgemental. I hope to have an oppurtunity to help create something big but I guess its all in the eye of the beholder.

I am blessed to work for the Chamber and to be a Real Estate Broker. Both jobs give me the tools and oppurtunities to be better. I do Real Estate, not for the money Ha Ha but because buying a home is a dream and I get to help a family with that dream and I get to watch them grow and make their house a home. I am blessed to be that person that guides them to make the transaction non-nightmarish.

In my job at the Chamber I hope that I am assisting businesses if not anything else letting the know that we do care and offering oppurtunity to build their business (their dream) and help give them tools to continue to be better.

I am blessed - I live paycheck to paycheck, my old house is well a piece of shit most of the time but we are making it better - we are healthy - my only dream ever came true (WILLOW) and I have a good man in my life, have great jobs, a caring family and wonderful true friends. What more can I ask for?

So these are just a little about what goes on in my head. A question to ask...do you really know your friends? i.e. hardly anyone knew Johnsie wrote poems - why did we learn this after her passing? Be open - share your life with others. You are very important, you are Special, you are here and changing lives each and every day.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I don't write as much as I should, I am always working on my self confidence. I don't have much of one and I wonder who cares about my thoughts but I do and I wanted them out and really that is all that matters.

Life is Good no matter where you are. Its a choice to be happy :)